Wrap your hands around this pen and take away my will to live.

so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick.. yeah .. that explains it.. honestly im the one trying your just wanting alone time alright not seeing me for 2 weekends cant that be enough.. cant u be mature and call me.. not fucking post a lj im single bullshit.. you dont see me looking for a bf.. because u know that i love you.. i just dont understand you anymore. and thats are song but know u get some people oh yeah.. i remember.. fuck that... people know how u treat me.. its not badly its your little fucking sarcasm commments about everything and u know that im right about that.. you can admitt when im being a bitch but not when your being up tight about something so god damn fucking retarded..i wish i could be one of those gfs who didnt care about how there bf talked to her.. then i wish i was strong and what it would be likeif i was the one calling the shots.. i am a pushover.. i fucking cant stand it.. i want to YELL AND SAY FUCK ALL OF YOU .. IM DONE.. you do shit for me.ill be laying in my bed realizing should i be the one in tears or staring at the phone.. i shouldnt.. the person should be calling me.. i mean hes made some mistakes on the way i have said ok i forgive u.. now you shoul dbe kissing my ass i took u back.. but .. w/e and hes pissed cuz i dont trust him.. all i have to say to that is 2 TIMES.. i gave u a 2 chance now3 now i lost count because u cant make up your damn mind .. fresh toast doesnt seem to taste the same with out you...breathe deep close your eyes self-esteem runs low
whisper something in my ears that I don't know

****whos selfish and whos sorry?And I thought that I would make it,
But you escaped it. And you swore that you would take this somewhere, somewhere.
Now I'm lost and you're just fakin' the way you played this.
The escape game never seemed so cruel when...
  • Current Music
    theAUDITION-Does This Sound Familiar

If beauty sits the child's kiss Of laughter I amend Can you catch her if she runs?

my hair is redish blond and short. yeah

homecoming was fun im glad nickels came with me .ha dirtydancing and you got served all in one night. i hope he had fun. travis is by far the best dancer i know.. hip-hop class ahha i hope thats soon.
my homecoming dress was really pretty.i didnt take alot of pictures with everyone.well maybe like 5 pictures thats it. nick got holes in his lips ah. but there adorable i love kissing him.

schools boring.. i want to shoot myself in the face when i hear mrs siress talk. True false true.. god.. aaa i have to find a job because driving ang around and having to pay with my own money is fucking stupid.
hum no school friday.. i think nates having a party.. idk i might stop by.

The simple ways we roll our eyes are exactly how we disguise our secrets
oh how cliche it is to sing about the stars
when they burnt out about ten years ago
** need to get the audition cd. miss burn it for me if u see this ah. thanks
  • Current Music
    New Coheed CD

It reaches in and tears your flesh apart As ice cold hands rip into your heart

so i havent updated in sometime because feb.was a shit month after i updated.. i am leading an exciting life .oyes.. man alot of sad things have happend. and crazy shit. spring break is soon. i would be going to floirda but i guess my aunt decided not to invite me this year. so i guess i will get frost bite instead of a sunburn what joy.you guys better make plans with me over break im not sitting in the damn house.ha steve better take us to oakland mall friday or he shall die ha. holy what the hell ang wont stop listening to like 4 songs from straylight run.sounds depressing i filled this thing out cuz im bored..and i'm giving up on happy endings
the one's that are only in movies
where the guy gets the girl and everybody's happy
i think that's the way it should be

LAST PERSON WHO...
x. Slept in your bed: um me
x. Saw you cry: uh.at my great grandmas funeral
x. Made you cry: ...hmm he knows who he is.
x. Spent the night with:guys. nick.. girl at auds house
x. You shared a drink with: myself
x. You went to the movies with: brianna jim and nick
x. You went to the mall with: meredith probably
x. Sent you an email: i have no idea

HAVE YOU EVER...
x. Said "I Love You" and meant it: yes
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: yeah i hate paws that bastard claws me
x. Been to New York: nope
x. Florida: yes
x. California: yes
x. Canada: yeah
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: the emily thing .. oh yeah ha .but some of them have came true
x. Had an imaginary friend: who hasnt
RANDOM...
x. Red or blue: blue
x. Spring or Fall: spring
x. Are you bored: yes
x. Last noise you heard: my phone going off mcr
x. Last time you went out of the state: florida last spring
x. Do you have a crush on someone: not so much a crush. i think there ok
x. What book are you reading now: im not
x. What is the first thing you think when you wake up: fuck.. this..i hate my life ha
x. How many rings before you answer: two or three
x. Future daughter's name: aaa idk something weird
x. Future son's name: gill
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: umm no
x. If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be: writer , psychologist,but that would mean sloving peoples problems i mean im not good at that cuz i dont give a shit about peoples problems cuz i cant figure out my own
x. Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous: right
x. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: yes
x. What's under your bed: the girl from the grudge
x. College plans: humm.
x. Piercings: 7 on ears
x. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: aaaaa no

EXTRA STUFF
x. Do you do drugs: no
x. Do you drink: like soda..
x. Who is your best friend: meredith probably
x. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use: aussie
x. What are you most scared of: needles, being alone, mustard
x. What clothes do you sleep in: pjs.. betty boop.
x. Who is the last person who called you: uh.vicki. or meg.
x. Where do you want to get married: anywhere
x. Favorite number: 7
x. What type automobile do you drive: 96 ford taurus
x. Are you timely or always late: on time
x. Do you have a job: no
x. Do you like being around people: yes
x. Best feeling in the world: when your at the point where your in love and everything feels right. but then u might just be dreaming..
x. Are you a health freak: ha. i dont sit at the lunch table counting calories of thats what u mean.. i eat whatever

STUFF---hehe
x. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: uh... idk. yeah.
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: yes
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: no
x. Ever afraid you'll never get married yea
x. Ever want kids?: the thought of a living thing inside u. is weird. but sure

FAVORITE
x. Room in house: bathroom..ha.. idk bedroom or bathroom i like showers and baths
x. Memory: i have alot.. but humm lets see UP NORTH WITH AMBER...
x. Day of the week: Saturday
x. Color: blue green

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
x. Cried: yes. about idk what im a baby
x. Sung: yes
x. Said "I Love You" and MEANT it: uh idk
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yes...
x. Met someone new: well i guess.
x. Moved on: trying
x. Missed someone: all the time.
x. Hugged someone: yes.
x. Kissed someone: unfortunatly no
x. Fought with your parents: ...probably
x. Dreamt about someone you can't be with: yes..:(
x. Had a lot of sleep: not really

HAVE YOU EVER...
been drunk - hum not totally drunk
smoked pot - no
kissed a member of the opposite sex - on the cheek
kissed a member of the same sex - o yes
crashed a friend's car - no but i would like to crash ambers and ruin her fun jk
ridden in a taxi - hum i want to do that.. taxi convo ha
been in love - yes..
had sex in public - in my dream i have had sex in public ha
been dumped - ohyah
shoplifted - no
been fired - no.
been in a fist fight - with ang.. fuck i will beat her ass
pissed on myself - probably idk ha
been arrested - no
made out with a stranger - well i thought i knew him now he is kinda a stranger
celebrated new years in time square - no
gone on a blind date - no
lied to a friend - yes
had a crush on a teacher - the soccer coach
been to europe - no
skipped school - sure
cut myself on purpose - no
been married - No
had children - yes im having twins right now.. im taking this gay thing to pass the time
stripped at a party - ...oh yes.. i love taking it off ha. no
jumped off a bridge - that would be fun
gone surfing - no
had a mullet - ahah no
peed in public - no public bathrooms ha
  • Current Music
    MCR

A family's broken hearts,a friend's streaming tears. light lost in death, the living's growing fears

so this weekend was kinda sad. when i got home from school i found out my great grandma had resently past away.. which is surely sad. i had a feeling tho. when i was in school elisha handed me a candy.. but i mean that candy reminds me of every old person but. i was like hum i havent seen her in forever.. yeh like 8yrs but shes been in the hospital for that long. so sunday i attended her funeral which i didnt think i was going to cry but it was an open casket so i was like omg.. she just right there if only i could wake her up and talk to her. Man im so scared of dying or my parents dying idk how people do it...i think when the guy opend the doors and she was right there and as we walked slow to her casket we all began to cry a little...


i dyed my hair. well i didnt dannys sister did.. its red and brown and blonde which hardly any blonde .. i wish i had more red in it. i would show everyone a picture but i dont know how to do it. ah.

Today my love is valentines day or. to cate i say valentimes ha everyone can be my valentine-be mine X0X0 i kinda wanted thos little hearts or a flower ha its kinda cliche but. yeah reminds me of like 3rd grade.. but i only wnat one person to be my valentine. nicholas moore...<3 humm mylove!
  • Current Music
    Hidden in plain view

Why is it so hard for us to say the things we feel inside our hearts.

last night was beaucoup fun. the bands there were really good..except one band cuz a former kid was in it. which im not saying names..but his face looked like it was going to explode or pass out something like that.. but yeah. mary put on some sexy specks because of lights so she put on her 70s glasses which are bigger then my face.. saw some crazy people and people who were dance/boping.. and this girl who was stretching .. for some reason. idk i think she was getting ready to. just stand there. ah yeah.i really wanted joe shizzley.. aah to hit some beats. you know. rap and show people what hes got ..humm tonight maybe.. perhaps. me and nicholas are going to the movies.. to see hide and seek..
i don't want to waste our days
i don't want to forget to say
i love you
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

Up the stairs: the station where the act becomes the art of growing up.

lyrics that relate to SEX...
BRAND NEW --She hits the lights.This doesn't seem quite fair.Despite everything he learned from his friends,he doesn't feel so prepared.She's breathing quiet and smooth.
He's gasping for air."This is the first and last time," he says.She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides. He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.*Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do UNDEROATH Can you feel your heartbeat racing? Can you taste the fear in her sweat? You've done this wrong It's too far gone These sheets tell of regret..This is the way I would have done things Up against the wall..SF The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste .I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close now Black heart and your lipstick smeared.TBS I'm in your room now is this turning you on am I turning you on? She says "come on, come on, let’s just get this over with” You always come close but this never comes easy, I'm on the corner of your bed, I'm thinking maybe....Well I'm blowing smoke out of your window And you're slipping back into your dress....The early november-I turn my head and then I close my eyesI know that this won't end It's just finding out the right way to begin HH - i sleep with one eye open just to see you breathing.. blink- all the small things He wants to bone this I know she is ready to blow--feeling this .. fucking and suckinand touchin.he's got three testicles The killers it was only a kiss how did it end up like this. man im bored...well thats enough .. for now..

heres another boring updated... thing.. of this useless journal ..
I went to the mall yesterday ... wow i spend alot.. and of time. I got a few things ... went to victoria secrets.. and spent all my money on the card nicholas gave me. man.. when we went to kohls it was hell i was running back and forth for fucking shit. cuz there was no price on anything i hate that store ha I was in some store and im like oh hey to the cashier. and he is like is this all for today.. and im like humm what? and hes like and said it again and im like huh? and hes like IS THIS ALL FOR TODAY im like oh yes god. sorry.. i cant hear you aaa i spent 100 at pacsun..

Meredith and I encountered THE WORLDS SMALLEST TOILET HAHA. IT WAS SO CUTE..
aaaa maggie plays extreme frisbee cuz i have a bruise on my stomach...
even tho it was in everyones journal i went to auds house it was fun.. saturday went to my cousins 11th b-day shindig. and it was alright. i guess. hum.. everyone puts hearts and says they love you.. like love ashley or what not cant belive i said that what not shit grr. but yeah and sign there name but i mean we know whos journal it is. but wth.. love ashley.
  • Current Music
    sex related ones

her make up smeared around as tears run down her face .the mask she had is soon to be erased

holy shit i was gone along ass time .. im never staying at my moms house that long. but at least i got to see nicholas when he came by..aww. he brought over shawn of the dead and napoleon dynamite ha yeah..

so last night a car went into the ditch at 12:30 and i was really scared cuz i was just about to go to sleep and i was snuggling with this little dog. that nicholas gave me.and i love it and i love him yeah.. im lame ah.and im like holy shit what was that and ang ran up the stairs shes like did u hear that so we looked out my window and saw this black car in the ditch .. hum me and ang didnt know to call the police or.. what so we called my dad he was having his sleep over at michelles ugh.. sick yeah. so my dad came home cuz i made him. but two cars stop and then drove off really fast and my dad said when he stoped there was know one init so obviously he drove off..

yeah anyways christmas was christmas it came and went and im glad its over.. didnt even feel like christmas when it was..but it was chaos..there was yelling .. people trying to ignore the yelling by drinking.. my cousin ang and me did some shots ha. and my cousins 10 yeah.. aaa i got alot of shit that i probably dont need cuz i have know idea where the hell its all going to go... humm.. i got my hair cut now all ineed to do is get it highlighted...

ha me and ang went to this party thing my moms bfs sisters party..w/e his brother in law had probably 2 thousand cds on the wall and im like.humm is there a secret door behind this cd ..yeah..anywho.
when i came home last night .. the house was trashed. my dad seriously cant do with out us.and i got made and brought shit up cuz im pmsing. and im sorry nicholas..<3
idk what im going to do tonight all i know is im going out to eat probably early.and that its.

YESSS. ha geez frickin idiot. god..
k bye..
  • Current Music
    greeley estates-outside of this

nobody ought to be alone on christmas....

i want to know where the lonely hearts gooo. ON christmas.
god damn. im writing this over again cuz my computer blows. so when i woke up emily arrived and ang went with her to get my dad a gift. tonight we are going to emilys family drunknes party thing. ha. drinking some drinks having some drinkies ha. lmao. last time ang won this beer hat but it didnt work out cuz we mixed beers and ugh... and it was leaking. yeahbut hopefully i win my smoothie maker back.

so last night. nicholas came over..which he had this lovely day planned out which didnt work idk.hum. he wanted to go to aarons but the dick called me a nig. ahso he did anyways but stevo was gone so. ididn want to go.umm i might of got in trouble.

it doesnt really seem like its december im all done with my shopping and normally im like holy shit i forgot someone. but this time i just need something for my dad.
christmas is chaos im running back and forth to my dads side of the family to my moms. new years eve my g-pa is taking ang,me,dad,mydads gf and her kids and my cousin and g-ma out to this expensive place.. yeah i wonder what to bill is going to be like.
i have that britney spears x-mas song in my head ah
i want a puppy for x-mas ah
  • Current Music
    all alone on christmas -self against city

im melting in your eyes i lost my place ...could stay a while just stay with me lay with me...right

this whole week. wait no this whole month has been mest up... im at my aunts. and idk. bored like normally. and confused. like all the time.. and i seriously just want to go home. and sleep in my bed. my head hurts and my hands are cold. and my eyes are wet. it doesnt even feel like christmas. i remember last x-mas was fun.. and it was going by slow. i still have to go shopping. and all. idk when im gonna do that. ..... i just want things to get. better. aaaa..
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated